Sunday, October 25, 2009

Shame



Today's muse: Sunday Scribblings

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Shame

Although I no longer think of you every day, I do think of you often. And wonder.

If I had made another decision, 27 years ago, would things be different? Better or worse? Over the years, I have convinced myself that my life is much better than it would have been, but I'm not always sure.

My life was just beginning. I had so many dreams and you were going to change everything—be in the way. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't hold onto you. And yet, I couldn't let you be with anyone else. Perhaps that was selfish. Someone else would have loved you just as much...maybe more.

I am not shamed by what I have done. That's not what keeps me awake at night and what wakes me from restless dreams. I do not apologize for my actions—for ending your life before it even began.

I do not regret my choice. And for that, I am shameful.



12 comments:

b said...

This tugged at my heart...so sad.

b

http://torristravels.blogspot.com

oldegg said...

You seemed to tell us so much yet your piece still left me wondering even worrying about what really happened.

Captivating read.

jaerose said...

I love that you don't directly explain the trauma but it still remains clear..jae (and thanks for reading my one!)

A Girl Named Me said...

It is incredible to me...how much you were able to share in so few well-written sentences.

xoxo

Dan Felstead said...

Monica...the most honest approach to questioning a life as I have ever seen. When I first read it I thought it was about a lost lover...but with a re reading...I think I know what it is really about. Very touching piece.

Dan

Wine and Words said...

Monica,
Can only guess here at true meaning. I'll assume abortion. Having almost been an abortion 47 years ago...so close, so close...it is a touchy subject. Once again today I say (a theme going on here) that we play God in the moment and live human with the consequences. To have no remorse over taking a life? I'm not sure what that says. I guess it's easier if you don't consider it life...and that's why many don't.

But it could just be you're talkin' about something abstract. Lots of talk of hard choices lately. Many rocks, many hard places.

::She Poet:: said...

Monica, this yanks the heart's string more than you know. I don't know if this is true for you or not but I can relate to it since I did the same thing many, many years ago. Still there are times, unexpectedly, I think about the him/her that could have been. For many years I deeply regret it, even now sometimes when I think about him/her, but it wasn't my decision to make since I was so young and foolishly "in love".

Anyways, a sad reflection.

Heliotropism said...

You created just enough suspense and spoke just enought that it created a setting and allowed my mind to create the rest. I can relate to this shame...

Dee Martin said...

There are no words for this. Hugs.

Tumblewords: said...

Surely a topic which comes with many strings and very few 'unopinions'! Well written.

S said...

You bared your soul here. If that had happened to me, my choice would have been the same, as hard as it is. To have the choice, is precious, but does not dissolve shame.

Hugs,
gelPlease drop by for a friendly visit to my writing & photography blog.

::She Poet:: said...

Um, so when are you gonna pick up your award?

Monica's Trophy is getting dusty